Desensitised

Its has been a long time since i last blogged... guess im just the sort of person who blogs once in a blue moon and when i have something i feel like saying but refuses to speak to anyone real...

Anyway im feeling desensitised today... its a kind of feeling that you no longer want to feel or care about what is going on around you. Nothing to worry about and to think im in trouble, i assure you guys out there i am perfectly fine and sane. Never felt clearer than now, in this state. I feel that its probably because one is less clear in life when feelings like joy, sorrow, elated-ness etc are involved. Im not sad or feeling down or whatever, im just tired and worn-out from work thats all, exhausted that i don't wanna feel any longer...

Anyway i do admit i feel pretty lonely and void sometimes. Its like a mental loneliness where you feel there would never be a second person who will understand you as well as you do. I hope its not because im too ambitious or because im too much of a deep-thinker. But whatever it is, i do not think i'll ever find someone my equal to bare my soul.

Recently, one of my secondary school friend's father passed away because of a sudden heart attack. It happened nearly 3 weeks ago. I saw her msn nick that has in some way high-lighted that something this upsetting had occured. However, i didn't asked her... i didn't even show any form of concern because that was the period of time i was busy mugging for my final exam. I may no longer be close to her.. we may have only met up once in the last 5 years... but watever it was, i feel horrible for not even showing the slighest bit of concern and being there to help her pass this difficult time she was facing. It left me thinking alot when i finally remembered and bothered to find out the truth from her. Why was i so blinded about achieveing everything in life that i forgot all about the humane side of life? It seems like its almost impossible to strike a balance between success and humanity. If you want to be successful in the future, you are required to work relentlessly to achieved and grab anything in sight, this is esp true when you aren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth. And working your way up hardly gives you time to pay attention and contribute to the humane side of life.

Anyway, i am more optimistic... smiling all the time in school and with others... i like my change... i hate my angry self that i often get into whenever i don't meet my self-expectations. Lately, i have been keeping my opinions and judgements to myself... which again, is a very good change. Anyway, who was i to judge anyone? i've got no rights to judge...

Let me emphasize again, i really like my change... i wish i had done that earlier so that my life would be less miserable haha. Smiling feels great (and im referring to the smile that radiates from within)... it bring out any happiness in you and it radiates and influences people around you to feel better and happier... if i knew that my smile would have such a positive impact, i would have done it earlier and more often. But its okay... its never too late to start:)